Swamp Journal

Everybody seems to be hung up on the Head On ads, as well as creating their own spoofs. OK, I don't have the equipment to actually produce it, but here's my take on what SNL would do with this (if SNL were actually funny):

Product: Head Off -- the moel in a tube.

Ad: "Head Off...apply directly to the foreskin. Head Off...apply directly to the foreskin. Head Off...apply directly to the foreskin."

I'm still thinking through the visual to go along with this...but theater of the mind will suffice.

One of the oddities of Florida government is that because there are only six cabinet departments, some responsibilities are assigned to departments you might not immediately expect to have them. For example, the state treasurer is also the insurance commissioner. One of the less apparent connections is that the cabinet official in charge of conumer affairs is the agriculture commissioner.

And just who is Florida's agriculture commissioner?

Charles Bronson.

I kid you not -- if you try to rip off the people of Florida, you gotta deal with Charles Bronson -- although he's not as tough looking as his namesake.

Today at work I saw another pair of great books about dogs -- Found Dogs and Second Chances, both by Elise Lufkin. It's a collection of profiles of dogs that were found and taken in, adopted from shelters, or taken in when their original owners couldn't care for them anymore. Each profile is a page or two long, and there is a photo of each dog, usually with their adopted parents.

The people who took in the dogs are from all sorts of backgrounds, ranging from students, carpenters and even what appears to be a homeless couple, to Bobby Short, Jamie Lee Curtis (she's actually in both books) and Al Gore, whose kids found a lost dog wandering around caves while he was vice president.

I'm always fascinated when things that seem to have nothing to do with each other have some unexpected connection. The other night on American Eats on The History Channel, I found a good one. The subject of this week's installment was soda, and at one point they were discussing packaging, which as you can imagine is very important with soda. In the 1970s, soda companies had a problem finding a suitable plastic to use for bottles -- most forms of plastic were too heavy, not strong enough, or reacted with the soda and affected the taste.

Finally a suitable plastic was invented by a guy named Nathaniel C. Wyeth. Last name sound familiar? Yes, he actually is the older brother of Andrew Wyeth, the famous painter.

I had the day off yesterday and today, but it was not what you'd call a peaceful day at home. Tuesday they started replacing the roof on my building, so all day long there is a pounding racket over my head. Yesterday I went out for a few hours at 3 pm, but today I couldn't stand it even that long.

So...I headed off to Books-A-Million. There is a store closer to me than the one I work at, so I went to that one, where I would feel less like I was at work. I took my notebook computer with me, and after an hour or two of browsing, I set up the computer and just started writing the book I've been supposed to write.

People have told me for years that I should write a book, but I've never actually sat down to do so, mostly because I never had a story idea. Some months ago, I had an idea, and I wrote some notes, but that is as far as I ever got. (Not exactly true -- I carry a small notepad around with me everywhere and write down ideas, lines of dialogue, and parts of overheard conversations that I think I might have use for one day.) But today I actually sat down and started writing the actual story.

Will I actually finish it? If I do, will it be any good? What is it about? Answers: Don't know, don't know, and not telling yet. But I did get 2000 words in, which is ahead of the one-day pace for National Novel Writing Month. The goal for NaNoWriMo is 50,000 words, which comes to 1667 words per day in November. I don't kid myself that I will do 2000 words a day for a solid month, but at least I've got a start, and whenever I sit at the computer, I'll know that the manuscript is sitting there waiting for more. We'll see what I can do when I actually have to work.

I'm thinking of taking my computer with me to work when I have to open, and then when I get off I can go sit in the cafe and work a bit, especially since I like waiting for traffic to lighten up before I hit the road. What I would like is to get to the end of the story (not necessarily cleaned up, but at least a finished first draft) in advance of the official NaNoWriMo so I can start another one then.

Advice, anyone?

This story is actually a bit dated, but I came across it again and haven't found out what happened to the women involved.

It seems that a pair of former prostitutes from South Florida came up with what they thought was a great idea to make some really big money. Remember the movie Midnight Express, the story of a kid named Billy Hayes who got busted for trying to smuggle drugs out of Turkey? Sure you do.

Well, these two ladies thought it might be profitable to smuggle drugs into Turkey. And they apparently wanted to make an impression, as they were busted with 25 kilograms of cocaine.

So what kind of time were they looking at? The basic penalty for importing narcotics without a license is 10-20 years in prison, plus a few more years for possession. But then they start adding on for the amount of drugs -- sort of like a speeding ticket, where there is a base fine, but they add on for each mph over the speed limit. Each gram is worth 6-12 years, and remember they were carrying 25 KILOgrams. Penalties are doubled if the drugs are heroin, cocaine or morphine. And the sentences are increased by 50 percent if the crime is committed by an "organization" (I guess that's the equivalent of our conspiracy laws). In all, if convicted on all counts, the minimum sentence came to 453, 657 years. No, that's not a typo -- we're talking almost half a million years.

I thought I'd do some searching on the Web to put that in perspective. Here is what was going on in the world 453,000 years ago:

• The first humans started moving into Britain and China.
• The River Thames began to take its current course.
• Mount Kilimanjaro stopped growing.
• Hominids first began to control and use fire
• Humans were first created by aliens using genetic engineering. (Well, at least that's what a lot of sites claim.)

If you prefer to stick to literal interpretation of the Bible and take the age of the universe as 5767, the minimum sentence is about 79 times as long as the universe has been around.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to locate any information on what happened to these women since their arrest. But one wonders if a sequel won't be forthcoming.

The long-awaited sequel is due out in a couple of weeks, and I have mixed feelings about it.

Although I didn't see the original until last year, I was onboard pretty quickly. Having done a few turns in retail, I could definitely relate to the bullshit Dante has to put up with, and I have seen and even worked with more than a couple of Randalls.

However, some of the appeal of the original was the result of Kevin Smith's miniscule budget -- the black-and-white, the need to have the door of the store stuck shut because Smith could only shoot inside the store after it was closed, the casting of Walt Flanagan in four separate roles (because the actors Smith had hired didn't show up) and the complete absence of any actors anybody had heard of. This time around, though, Smith has plenty of budget. The film is shot in color (taking some of the gritty edge away), and the cast includes Rosario Dawson, Jason Lee, and Wanda Sykes. Even Ben Affleck makes a cameo -- I can only hope he plays himself visiting the restaurant where Dante and Randall work, a situation that opens up a number of potentially great situations.

Also, by having the characters work in a restaurant, it starts to look somewhat like last year's "Waiting."

I don't often get to the movies, but I may make an effort to go see this one, at least if I hear good things about it.

OK, here's how my day went on Saturday. Keep in mind that I've only been working here five weeks!

I get to the bookstore at 8 and I already know that the woman who usually works the cafe on Saturday morning isn't going to be there. So someone else is going to open the cafe, but she doesn't want to spend the day there. Thirty minutes after I get there, she still isn't there. Meanwhile, I notice that my general manager (GM) changed his schedule to work with me, probably because he missed Sunday when he was sick. He already closed the night before, so he didn't get home until well after midnight.

At 8:30, GM shows up with someone I don't know. This is someone who is helping us out from another store, so GM puts this person in the computer so she can operate a register. He also tells me the person who was supposed to open the cafe called out sick the day before, so he starts getting the cafe ready.

While he's doing that, I get a call from the other co-manager (same position as me, but he's been there longer). Co-manager is supposed to close, but he is in ORLANDO, and there is a problem with his car; in fact, they are going to drop his transmission. So he won't make it. The assistant GM is off, and he always works more hours than he ought to be expected to anyway. So...GM is going to help me get things going and then go home and come back to close the store. I closed the store by myself for the first time this week, but since it's Saturday, closing manager has to do payroll, and I haven't done that yet. Did I mention that GM lives 45 minutes away?

Just as he is about to leave, we discover the phone system has gone down. This means that not only can customers not call in, but we can't call out on the day we have to call customers to let them know their orders have come in, and worst of all -- no intercom. So we let the home office know and they will call AT&T. Best we can do is have the cashier use her cell phone to call my cell phone if she needs something when I'm not nearby. (Guy in the cafe doesn't have a cell phone -- hope for the best!)

About 11:30, in walks someone else who is helping us from another store. Now I have to enter him into the computer, which I don't know how to do. Luckily, his assistant GM was able to walk me through it over the phone. My cell phone -- remember the phone being out? So now it has been about four hours since we called in the problem, and still no progress. When I called the help desk, they checked with AT&T, who said someone was at the store working on it. Now, I haven't seen anyone working on the phone, and nobody has checked in. But eventually we got the phone back up.

Since it is Saturday, we have the Yu-Gi-Oh tournament. If you're not familiar with Yu-Gi-Oh, it's a kind of game kids play with trading cards. Since we sell the cards, it helps promote business. But the tournament can sometimes get a bit noisy, and it clutters up the business and computer section of the store. While they are playing, I go into the restroom to find a big pile of empty Yu-Gi-Oh wrappers in the corner. Now, maybe the kids bought them and tossed the extra wrappers there. But...maybe not. Let me be clear that most of the kids don't cause problems. In fact, in the morning, before they started playing, I discovered one of the kids with our broom sweeping up the crumbs he had left on the floor. So I had to say something to the group about letting us know if they see anything we should know about.

Finally my GM came back so I could wrap up the early shift and go home. But...we had a discrepancy on one of the tills, and I had to write up a coaching form for the person. :-(

Now we're not sure if the other co-manager will have his car up and running, so instead of working a midday shift, I'm going to have to open on Sunday, and I might have to open again on Monday, when I was supposed to be off. I'm sure I'll get another day off if that happens, and if not, I can use the OT. But what a day! I can hardly wait to see what awaits me in the morning....

Yes, it has actually been done. Kyle has finally managed to complete the trade of a single paperclip for a house -- although the journey may be more interesting than the house itself. Check it out, and while you're at it, sign the petition to have Alice Cooper inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

On my way home from work a few nights ago I noticed that the old Service Merchandise space, which had been vacant for several years, seemed to have a new tenant setting up. Being the curious person I am, I took a detour through the parking lot and saw some signs in the window. The name of the new store: Stupid Prices. In the words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up.

Tonight, I saw a television ad for Stupid Prices, so I searched on the Web and found out that this is in fact a chain. The company has 12 stores in Washington state and California. Obviously the next logical step for expansion is...FLORIDA????

Also, throughout the site you see "Always no tax," meaning that they pay all sales tax. However, when you check out the Florida location, there is a link labeled "Restriction Applies." Click on the link and it says that due to state regulations, "always no tax" does not apply. So apparently "always no tax" means "sometimes no tax."

Hmmm....

While searching for another document on my old hard drive, I came across on old (but enjoyable) goodie, which I'm sharing with you folks:

Product Liability Suit

In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, ArizonaCase No. B19293, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiffvs.Acme Company, Defendant

Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions, he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in the profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment, the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor design and engineering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent steering system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled led it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernst Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety.

Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generouspile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78) climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the followingdisfigurements to Mr. Coyote: 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle. 2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction.

As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the fullweight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, began to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz, flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked and emit anoffkey, accordion-like wheezing with each step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly ofmanufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is ourcontention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

You probably know about the “27” curse – that’s the age at which Robert Johnson, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, Pigpen (from the Grateful Dead) and Kurt Cobain all died. Paul McCartney also was 27 at the time of his rumored death. But I think I’ve discovered another curse which seems more effective, although considerably less fatal.

Over the years I have noticed that a band that mentions itself in the title or chorus of a song has a habit of disappearing soon after. Examples

Rare Earth – “Rare Earth”
Big Country – “In a Big Country”
Talk Talk – “Talk Talk”
Madness – “Madness”
Pet Shop Boys – “Pet Shop Boys”
Vanilla Ice – “Ice Ice Baby”
Wang Chung – “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” (Everybody Wang Chung Tonight)
Chicago – “Chicago”
Night Ranger – “Night Ranger”
Blue Oyster Cult – “Blue Oyster Cult”

Referring to yourself in the verse seems to be reasonably safe; consider “Showbiz Kids” by Steely Dan and "Did You See Me?" by the Bus Boys. And if you’re looking for exceptions, I can think of Bad Company, as well as the king of self-referential titles, Bo Diddley, whose career is to a large extent built upon songs about himself.

I did manage to find a list of such songs, but most are by people I’ve never heard of in the first place (which actually supports my theory), and some are lesser-known songs that I can’t place in the band’s timeline. Maybe someone can help me out in proving or disproving the existence of this curse.

BTW, note that the page mentioned in the previous paragraph also links to a list of songs with artists in their titles (not necessarily by the same artist), and it looks like Bo also predominates this list.

This is a bit late, as I only recently heard about the news.

You may not recognize the name John Rice, but odds are you would recognize him and his brother Greg. Together they are listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the world's smallest surviving twins, measuring in at 2 feet 10 inches. They have become famous around the country as commercial spokesmen, infomercial hosts, motivational speakers, and occasionally actors. They also are South Florida natives well-known locally for their appearances in ads for a pest control firm (in which they became partners), their tremendous success in the real estate business, and as all-around good guys. Not bad for a couple of kids who were abandoned by their parents at birth.

Although they were millionaires, it wasn't unusual to see one or the other of them around town doing what the rest of us not-so-famous, middle-class, "average-sized" people do. I couldn't tell them apart, but I ran into one or or the other of them twice. Once was at Barnes & Noble, where I helped one of them reach a book from a top shelf.

The other time was at the supermarket. I knew that one of them -- it was John, although I didn't remember which one it was at the time -- had been hospitalized for about a year with a neck injury and nearly died. So I went up to him and asked how his brother was doing. "No, that was ME," he said. He hadn't let his neck injury slow him down, either.

John died last November as the result of surgical complications after breaking his leg. There are some questions about the medical care provided, and Greg has filed a suit against the hospital as a result. But John and Greg's popularity was obvious at John's funeral, where about 500 people turned out to pay their respects. You'll be missed, John. :-(

Yesterday I had to stop by another store in our chain. Even though it's the same company, there is a tendency to see things you don’t in your own store because of a different product mix, out-of-stocks, or just because the store is laid out differently.

In the American History section, I saw an extremely cool book, and today seems an appropriate day to talk about it. It’s called The Declaration of Independence and gives a history of the events leading up to July 4, 1776. But what little originality went into the name is very much made up for in the concept. Described as a “museum in a box,” it is stuffed (literally) with reproductions of various documents, highlighted by an exact, full-size copy of the Declaration itself. There are additional documents, all of which are inserted in pockets or attached as foldouts rather than just printed on the page, so you can actually hold them. Some of the reproductions are:

• The Proclamation of 1763 forbidding settlement west of the Appalachians
• Paul Revere’s engraving depicting the Boston Massacre and a broadside circulated at the time
• Continental currency (an eight-dollar note)
• An entry from John Adams’ diary giving his private impressions of the Continental Congress in 1774
• Jefferson’s draft copy of the Declaration
• John Dickinson’s argument against independence

There are plenty more, and because 21st century eyes aren’t entirely used to the style of handwriting of the 18th century, there are also transcripts in modern type. The book also includes capsule biographies of every man who signed the Declaration, just in case you wanted to know exactly who Josiah Bartlett, Button Gwinnett, and Robert Morris were.
The hands-on approach really helps to bring the history to life, and in a way it’s actually better than a museum, because real museums don’t let you touch 230-year-old documents. I had to take it over to the café and sit down and explore the book for a while. The author, Rod Gragg, has created a similar "museum in a box" about the Lewis & Clark Expedition and two others with facsimiles of letters home written by soldiers in the Civil War and World War II. I hope he does more. (Note: I wouldn’t recommend these for younger kids because they will surely lose the inserts, and if you decide to buy one in a bookstore, check to make sure nothing is missing.).

# posted by MarkSouthFL @ 1:27 PM 2 comments

I just caught the end of The Wizard of Oz on AMC. I'm always a little sad when I see the movie because when I was a kid we had a cairn terrier who looked just like Toto. :-( But I digress....

Way back when I regularly hung out on CompuServe, one of the most popular discussions we had was over who we would cast in a remake of the classic movie. Lots of people had suggestions, and we got off onto side discussions of making the movie as a farce, or some weird Stephen King version where the Wizard (played by Rutger Hauer -- remember The Hitcher?) rips Dorothy's still-beating heart out of her chest and gives it to the Tin Man. But here's what I'd like to see, in my warped vision:

• Dorothy – Sarah Silverman. I never said it was a G-rated movie.
• Scarecrow – Jim Carrey. Everyone seems to suggest this.
• Cowardly Lion – Drew Carey. Maybe I should have gotten Mariah Carey or Carrie Fisher for Dorothy?
• Tin Man – Eddie Murphy
• Wicked Witch of the West – Roseanne. Barr, Arnold, whatever.
• Winged Monkey – Paul Reubens. If he’s unavailable, Gilbert Gottfried.
• Good Witch – Kathy Griffin.
• Wizard – I’m torn on this one; one one hand, I’d love to see Don Rickles, but I could just as easily go completely the opposite way with Bob Newhart. Lewis Black, anyone?
• Auntie Em – Kirstie Alley

Opinions? Alternate suggestions?

OK, I'm baiting folks a bit with the title (although I can't wait to do a Google search on "mac users" and "prissy), but what the hell is with this guy? When I I get a dark spot on my car door where my elbow rests or on the steering wheel, maybe I should badger Ford into replacing my upholstery and steering wheel instead of just cleaning it. Likewise, Apple ought to just send Mr. Science here a new MacBook -- then he can transfer the data, reinstall has non-factory software, and adjust all the settings on his stain-free computer.