Monday, February 26, 2007

 

Duck! I mean...Heron!

We had a bit of excitement at work the other day. I was at the counter, along with my general manager and one of the associates, when we heard a loud bang at the front window. When I went to check it out, I found a bird on the sidewalk that had crashed into the window. This isn't that unusual -- occasionally when we arrive in the morning, we will see some small sparrows on the sidewalk that have broken their necks flying into the glass. But this was no sparrow -- it was a great blue heron.

If you're not familiar with herons, the great blue is the largest in the U.S., standing about four feet high. I have seen them only on a few occasions, and until now only in or near water. And I have certainly never seen one fly into a window.

The bird quickly got up and started walking around. He (and we) were lucky he didn't actually go through the window. I don't think he was injured, although I wasn't about to examine a wild bird that size. I'm guessing he was just dazed, because he walked amid the shoppers passing by, and at one point even got up to a run. He didn't fly away right away, which I suppose might have been because he wasn't sure which way to go -- the sidewalk is covered, and there are large concrete pillars along the parking lot side, as well as hedges. But the heron was gone when I went home a little later, so I'm guessing he recovered and flew away having injured nothing more than his dignity.

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

 

Foreign Language?

Today at the bookstore I came across a rather unusual book: The Australian-English/English-Australian Phrasebook. Just in case you have trouble understanding Steve Irwin on those repeats of Crocodile Hunter.

Turns out Lonely Planet also publishes an Australian phrasebook, although that one also gives in introduction to Aboriginal languages.

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Saturday, February 03, 2007

 

How to Get in Trouble

OK, I know I haven't posted in two weeks. Sorry. Things have been a bit crazy at work. Last week I was at a family reunion. Blah, blah, blah. But the other day I was going through some files in my computer (remember, I'm still on the old backup computer) and found an old favorite. It's based on a post someone shared with the members of CompuServe forum some time ago. The first 50 were the original item; the rest are my own additions. And please note that the original and the additions all date back to before 2001.


50 THINGS TO DO ON A FINAL EXAM WHEN YOU KNOW THAT NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU DO ON THE EXAM, YOU WILL FAIL THE CLASS

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs." Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple-choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc.).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Have deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90-degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is stupid"

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(Mark's additions)

51. If it's a math test, put down obviously wrong answers, then demand extra credit for using base 12.

52. Also on a math test, spell out all numbers as words. If possible use slang variants, such as "deuce" for two, or spell the numbers out in a foreign language, preferably one with a different alphabet -- Hebrew is an excellent choice. (Hebrew uses letters to stand for numbers -- alef, the first letter, is one, etc.; the eleventh and twelfth letters represent 20 and 30, and so on.)

53. On an essay test, write in the style of Beavis and Butthead. Don't forget liberal use of "huh, huh, huhuhuh...." Especially fun if you are discussing a heavy author, such as Hemingway or Faulkner.

54. Write a lengthy diatribe on why the liberal/conservative (your choice) forces running the school make it impossible for you to pass the test. Be sure to drop phrases such as left/right wing conspiracy, black helicopters, and Men in Black.

55. Bring a CD player and start blasting that obnoxious Gary Glitter tune that infests every sporting event in North America. Don't forget to shout the "Hey"s.

56. Start a conversation with an imaginary friend over the correct answers. Work it up to an argument.

57. At the end of the exam, turn in a computer disk and say, "The answers should be okay, but the guy next to me on the bus (subway, whatever) said he had magnets in his pocket.

58. Bring a shaving kit. When the exam starts, lather up and start shaving.

59. Bring a cellular phone and have a friend call you repeatedly. When the instructor objects, tell him it's for him (if the phone has just rung) or that the person wants to speak to him (if you're in mid-conversation).

60. Show up in a tux or formal gown and bring a stack of envelopes. After the test is handed out, read the first question out loud, open an envelope and exclaim, "...and the winner is..." followed by a possible answer. Repeat often. If the instructor complains, give an acceptance speech, making sure to thank everyone you have ever met and making liberal use of the phrase, "You like me, you really, really like me!"

61. Every so often, shout out remark's such as, "Yeah, like I'll ever need to know *this*" or "The square root of 37? Who gives a rat's ass?"

62. Pick an odd time about midway to two-thirds of the way through the exam period, for example 11:37. Keep asking the instructor if it is 11:37 yet, increasing the frequency of the questioning as the time approaches. When it's a minute or two before the specified time, quickly turn in the exam and run out the door as fast as possible.

63. Bring a tube of Super Glue. When nobody's watching, glue your exam to the desk. Make sure it is sufficiently glued so that it can't possibly be removed without destroying it completely.

64. In the middle of the exam, burst into tears and start babbling about failure, the “family business,” and people with names such as Vito, Jimmy the Rat, and Frankie the Fixer.

65. At the end of the period vomit all over the exam.

66. If the schedule works out just right, bring a miniature tv set, turn on a ballgame, and do a play-by-play. Howard Cosell impersonation optional.

67. Start collecting pennies a week before the exam. Bring them with you. When the exam starts, drop them all over the floor.

68. Start building a psychological profile of the instructor based on the exam questions -- out loud, of course. (WARNING: Don't try this in a psychology exam unless you have time for an extended “vacation.”)

69. When the exam starts, get up and move your desk ever so slightly. Sit down. Get up and nudge it again. Keep repeating this until the instructor objects, then tell him you need to sit in just the right place so that you will be properly aligned with the stars/the earth's magnetic fields/whatever.

70. Read over the exam, then start banging your shoe on the desk, a la Khrushchev.

71. Two words: Mr. Microphone.

72. Arrange for the instructor to receive a strip-o-gram during the exam.

73. During the exam, start delivering a sermon on the evils of __________. (Fill in the blank with the subject of the course.

74. Read each question out loud followed by uncontrollable laughter.

75. Eat beans. Lots of them. Lots and lots and lots of them. For a full day before the exam. For an added touch, bring a large pot of beans with you and offer them to your classmates throughout the exam.

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